last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
