Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
