Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
