Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
