did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize