this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
