I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I got inside last night via doggy door
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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