i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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