Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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