Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
