when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
