at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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