My liver just broke up with me...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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