Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You don't make any sense
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