we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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