you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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