I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
