I need help removing her.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
