oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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