very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
from now on my penis is your penis
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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