I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He? As in you personified your dick?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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