we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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