Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
