Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
