Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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