so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I wear drunk well.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
