the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
