The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Go christen that room with your naked body.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Randomize
