That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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