happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
