I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
