Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
