just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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