Where is the hickey?
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
if only i could text you this smell
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
