someone threw a dead crab at me
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
