It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
