Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
