Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
