I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
