i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
