why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
