My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
