im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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