Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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