Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
