just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
