sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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