I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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