I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
