i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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