at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
