I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Come share oat with me in your robe
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
