I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
