Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Your penis caused this!
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