just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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