first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize