Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
