just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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