My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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