Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
