ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
nutella sex= disaster
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
