Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
