i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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