She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
