Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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